Good-bye real friends, hello mother’s group

Because you are now incapable of having a conversation about anything but babies, you need to find other people like you. Mothers groups might seem to be a collective of people you wouldn’t normally piss on if they were on fire, but they are your people now. The only ones you have left.

Meet the mummys

There are five main types of mothers you’ll meet in a mother’s group . . . and you’ll be one of them.

1. Mummy Know-It-All

‘Actually’ is the first word that comes out her mouth. Mummy Know-It-All has the answers to questions you haven’t even asked yet. And the answer will always begin with ‘actually’.

2. Mummy Mess
Sit next to this specimen and you’ll feel like mother of the year. She hasn’t changed her clothes for a week and is feeding the baby a rib bone.

3. Mummy Me Me Me:
Hasn’t really embraced motherhood. Sees the baby as an accessory. Keep your baby away from her kids if you want to keep it out of rehab.

4. Mummy Part Time
Why is she smiling? Because she has a nanny. Why is she here? Because her actual friends hate her too.

5. Mummy Won’t-Make-It
Nervous. Skittish. Caffeine addicted. On the verge of tears. Fear behind the eyes. Sound familiar?
Vodka Baby Product Shot2

Extracted text from You Can’t Give Vodka to a Baby… and Other Parenting Myths by Dr Oliver Green BSA. Read more about the book in this review from The Best Nest here.

Is it always shake a baby or is it never shake a baby? There is so much to learn if you become a parent. This book will give any new mum or dad the advice and confidence to raise their children into adults who probably won’t end up in jail or on drugs, and to build relationships deeper than any you may have seen on reality TV shows. Or maybe not! Go on. You need a laugh when you are a parent, or a nearly-parent, or trying to be a parent, or – just anytime really.